1.The act of obstructing one person’s advances towards another.
So a Cock-Blocker cock-blocks you. You have been Cock-Blocked. You are the Cock-Blockee.
And while that’s never a good thing (unless you were about to hook up with a thai boy, and even then, things remain unclear *1), is it ever acceptable?
Short Answer: No.
Never. C’mon dude, your wingman is about to score. It doesn’t matter if the lady/reptile/creature from the black lagoon has been all over your junk for the last 40 minutes. It doesn’t matter if you’ve bought her so many jagerbombs she is barely capable of standing, let alone speech. If she decides that your mate is the submarine for her (long, hard, full of sea-men), then do the honourable thing and back the fuck off. Don’t mope, don’t wander back with inane commentary. Go and have a drink and then pull one of her mates. And don’t think you’re being subtle, standing near the exit, smoking. You’re not cock-blocking yet, but you mean to. And that’s worse, you’re a real bastard.
- Rule #1. No Cock-blocking
- Rule #2. Provide your wingman with a clear route from wherever the hell you found the lady/reptile/black-lagoon-dweller to the nearest taxi. He will not collect $200, or pass go, though he may end up in jail. Anyway if he’s very lucky, he’ll get blown. Or maybe he’ll wake up in a bath-tub full of ice with one of his kidneys missing. Either way is cool, y’know.
Also, denying your friend access to the pussy isn’t going to get you in there. It’s going to make you look a cunt. Do you really think girls can’t spot a cock-block? They’re massively illogical but they ain’t blind, motherfucker. Nothing closes the pussy-doors faster than desperation (except perhaps authoring this website – I remain the only man in existence who can cock-block himself).
Long Answer: Er, Yeah, kind of, occasionally.
I’ll present some scenarios in a moment to explain and expand upon the rules and their full effects. Also, many of these scenarios are real. If you recognise yourself as the cock-blocker, then I hope you feel fully ashamed of yourself. Because we do. You are the lowest of the low. You should hand back your man-license and pick up the snake-in-the-grass pass. You have a mangina, and an ugly mangina at that.
You may redeem yourself but pretty much the only thing that will earn you back your testicles is letting us sleep with your sister. And even then, only if she knows her way around a dick.
it’s not gonna suck itself
And so, under these circumstances, cock-blocking will occur…
Our Cast of Players
Girl A – who is hot, like the sun.
Girl B – not so hot, maybe a 7/10.
You – the wingman.
Your friend – alleged bro.
Just quickly, wingman is defined here by our friends over at the urbandictionary.
So what happened?
Your mission as the wingman is to assist your friend in persuading Girl A that he’s not a cunt, he is actually a rock-star with a cock like a sledge-hammer. He is not a gimpy little virgin, he is actually a gentle and giving lover who will give her many, many orgasms before he ever considers his own desperate need to visit the rainforest – It’s warm and wet like a good girl should be.
So He’s chatting to Girl A. They have little in common beyond the lust born from alcohol and heavy break-beats. You’re chatting to Girl B, because hey, she’s not that bad, she has working lady parts, and in this light, with this much JD inside you, you definitely would.
At this point all is right with the world. Angels are singing in heaven, flowers bloom in the sunshine. A dog is licking his balls. But no, what’s this? Girl A starts to talk to you. You have much in common. Maybe she want’s to visit your hometown. Maybe she knows your sister. Whatever, doesn’t matter.
At this point, Girl B is ignored, your friend needs to make a choice: Does he continue his pursuit of Girl A, or move along to Girl B?
So who is at fault?
You are technically cock-blocking one another at this point. No-one wins in this scenario.
What should should happen is that your friend moves on to Girl B as soon as possible, leaving your run at Girl A free and clear and easy. This is “taking one for the team”. An act of supreme sacrifice amongst men. He will go down in the annals of legend. And, oh, you will hear for many days and weeks how you owe him next time. Suck it up and get on with moving Girl A directly to the bedroom / alleyway / kennel as you desire.
In the event this doesn’t happen, you have a choice to move onto Girl B yourself. What absolutely cannot be allowed to happen (and what did happen) is that Girl B, left alone for ages, told Girl A she was leaving and took Girl A with her.
The fault lies with your friend, who is a prick, but he’s going to claim that you cock-blocked him. Clearly he’s wrong. The girl decides who she wants to talk to (and ultimately, jump), and he should have respected you and the rules enough to back off. Tell him that he’s a cunt, have a drink and move on to girls C and D.
Please note also, that both guys have been cock-blocked by Girl B as well, but it's their own fault for being a pair of pussy-whipped bitches
Our Cast of Players
Girl A – not so hot, maybe a 7/10.
Friend A – alleged bro.
Friend B – alleged bro.
So what happened this time then?
Well Girl A is clearly horny, she’s not that hot though, and You’re way more interested in making out with a bottle or 2 of JD and leaving this slut hanging. Friend A takes a pop at her though and is moving nicely towards fuck-town. Sadly this girl is mentally sick, so she starts clambering all over Friend B.
Now the rules state that Friend A backs off, but he’s invested booze and effort in this horny shit-bag. Friend B, being male, is happy to have his junk rubbed. He even claims that she just blew him. Seems unlikely given that his is the tiniest of tiny cocks. (And don’t ask me how I know that. I’m a specialist. And if you must know, your mom told me.)
Anyway, Friend A and Friend B are getting a bit too aggressive with her and each other and so girl A will dive headlong onto you.
Listen right, we’re dudes. Even if this girl was a 5/10, you’d hit it. That she’s crazy, drunk and horny is not going to put you off because you’re also crazy, drunk and horny. You’ve sat back, ignored this chick, allowed your friends to take a crack at it and they’ve cock-blocked each other, like the monkeys they are.
By the end of the night, I guaran-damn-tee that they will be flinging shit and masturbating like monkeys in a cage. The shit will be of the liquid verbal variety. It will be aimed at you. Both of these asshole-friends of yours are going to claim that you cock-blocked them.
And maybe you did, a little bit, but fuck me, didn’t they deserve it? They cock-blocked each other way before you got involved. So Fuck it, and indeed, fuck her.
Our Cast of Players
Girl A – not so hot, maybe a 7/10.
Friend A – alleged bro.
Guy B – an acquaintance.
Guy C – barely an acquaintance.
Ok, spill it:
Guy C invited the girl to the club but arrived without her. Because he’s an impatient prick who didn’t want to wait. Guy B works with Girl A. He thinks that if he hangs around her she’ll end up riding him like a show-pony. He’s wrong. He looks like a pizza-faced clown-shoes.
Friend A went back to get this girl, brought her to the club and is moving nicely towards the vagina-village.
Guy B, amazingly, realising he’s way out of his depth backs off.
Guy C though, this impatient colostomy bag, this feculent trash, he claims that he is out with Girl A. That he invited her and that it is him she has come to see. She’s practically sitting on Friend A’s lap but this guys mangina is twitching and so, what do you do.
You intervene, you point out to Guy C that he blew his opportunity when he left her behind. That she is now all over your friend, that she came with him and that he deserves the shot first. Clearly if he fucks it up, all bets are off but he gets a chance.
Guy C doesn’t listen and proceeds to cock-block your friend. Massively. Imagine Marriage proposal. Definitely kills the mood, doesn’t it?
This doesn’t matter though because your friend is taking his shot. And he has totally misread the situation. He is shot down so hard and so fast, you can practically see the explosion upon impact.
Guy B, who is a fucking cretin, takes a shot. Don’t ask what possessed him, there was no chance there, but they are like moths to a flame. Again, crash and burn. In fairness, that one was funny. He’s only gonna start crying in a minute. (This is the hail-mary pass. The ultimate desperation move. The attempt to earn a pity fuck. You need to be a fucking needy bastard to attempt this move. It is the kind of thing people won’t forget or forgive. Trust me on this. One of my “friends” is dead to me forever for pulling this shit. It worked though, so maybe I’m the cunt)
Guy C thinks he’s in, he’s rounded the goalie and faced with an open net. He’s forgotten something though.
What’s that then? tell me, tell me…
Well, he’s forgotten that this girl is now hugely freaked out, 3 guys, all ultimately assholes, have tried to crack onto her in the last 5 minutes. All unwanted advances from her point of view. She’s panicked and she runs to the nearest safe harbor. Which is you.
Maybe not so meek, mofo
The bible has it wrong. The meek will inherit shit. They wouldn’t know what to do with it even if they did inherit the world. They are, after all, meek. But, the impression of meek. The impression of safety and security. This, my friend, will grant you access to the city of Muffopolis. You will get every opportunity to do some hideous and kinky shit to that girl.
Sadly, this really happened, I didn’t seal the deal quickly enough though and lost her in the end. To guy C. Made me feel really bad for a second or two. Essentially I may as well have let this girl get raped such was the nature of guy C’s personality, he is public enemy number one now though. Don’t be surprised to find a slightly suspicious suicide has occurred, involving a donkey ass-raping a prick to death. Also, the girl can’t be that good if she’d let that rancid bucket of shites’ cock anywhere near her.
Our Cast of Players
Girls A, B, C, D, E – each not so hot, ranging from 5/10 to 7/10s.
Friend A – alleged bro with a girlfriend that you know and like (but don’t want to bone senseless yourself, even though you know you’d do a better job of it than he does, useless fucktard). *2
So what happened?
At a party, Friend A is being hit on like he’s shit and all these drunken bitches are the flies looking to feed on him. You’d swear blind that he has an actual pussy magnet. It’s kinda sickening to watch. Some of these girls are actually frothing at the lips (both sets). But he’s happily luv’d up. (We’re men, we don’t believe in love or LOVE, we believe in pussy and whatever it takes to get us there). Luv is acceptable, again it’s defined over in the urban dictionary, but we’re using it here to describe a more casual form of “Love” – in the female sense.
And so, one of the few occasions where cock-blocking is acceptable. Friend A asks you to repel these ravenous whores, to remove them from his temptation field. He asks you to cock-block him. And when he says this, you have a choice to make. You will cock-block him, that is not in doubt, for that is the bro code. But will you try and get as many of these girls onto yourself as possible, bearing in mind that Friend A cannot function as a wingman at this point? He is essentially broken, out of the game, a mere distraction with a pussy magnet. Or, and this is infinitely more fun, will you repel these slavering bints with malice aforethought?
Well, that’s what I did. It was a thing of absolute joy, never have I been so utterly contemptible to the fairer sex. Asking one girl if she was actually literally dripping wet at the thought of cock remains one of my life highlights.
That’s a win-win question in this game, imagine what happens if she says yes. That’s all I can do. Imagine it I mean. As it is, it took me 10 minutes to dry off from the thrown glass. Still comfortably the most fun I’ve had in ages. Fuck Laser Tag…
Cock-Blocking is Acceptable if and only if:
- The girl in question is your little sister. And she’s only 12.
- The girl in question is one of your oldest friends. The guy she’s talking to is a friend of yours but you also know that he’s an absolute cunt. Not just a bit of a cunt. And she’s staying with you. And she’s given every indication that you are game on yourself. Actually he’s cock-blocking you but he’s a cunt so he won’t realise.
- The girl in question is your actual girlfriend or wife or mother – and by actual girlfriend I mean in real life, not in that warped fantasy world of yours where you string her up like a cow in an abattoir and have at her arse.
Peace, Motherfuckers. I’m out.
Sometimes, it may be acceptable under the rules of “any hole is a goal”, “an arse is an arse”, to allow one of your friends to pull a thai boy. Or a convincing transvestite. It is important however that you
- gather as much evidence that this occurred as possible (short of actual watching them fuck, although photographic evidence of your pal grabbing the dude’s cock would be awesome)
- laugh your ass off
- never EVER let them forget
Also you must never pull a dude yourself. In the unhappy event that you do, suicide is an acceptable option. As is finding the most abrasive cleaning product and scrubbing your fuckstick raw. You may also fake your own death and move to a new city, although maybe emigrating is wiser. This may or may not be how I ended up in Lithuania. A gentleman never tells.
It is indeed possible for men to be friends with girls. There is one essential requirement. He must not want to fuck her. There will be times, and probably wanks, where thinking about fucking her will occur. This is just the cock-brain talking.
What the man sees: “Oh, there’s Jane, haven’t seen her for a while. Wonder what she’s up to”
What the cock-brain thinks “FUCK HER! FUCK HER HOLES! SHE NEEDS FUCKING!”
Show a man a hole in the ground and I guarantee he’ll think about fucking it.
There is a difference though between thinking about fucking, acting about fucking and fucking. Think all you like, just don’t let her know you think about that stuff. Especially that kinky shit where she’s dressed as Bo Peep, and you’re her sheep. The things that bitch can do with a crook. Also probably best not to let her know you read (or wrote) this article. Just saying.