Alcoholic Arsenal #3 – Long Island Iced Tea

You will need:
1 part vodka
1 part tequila
1 part rum
1 part gin
1 part triple sec
1 1/2 parts sweet and sour mix
1 splash Coca-Cola®
Some ice

Put the good stuff in a tall glass. Add Ice and Coke to taste. If you add a lemon slice, or a lime slice, you will be probably be considered to be a flamboyant gay. It’s your choice though.

Why is this in the arsenal?

In most bars, this is the strongest, manliest cocktail available. And before you start calling us a fucktard and claiming that cocktail consumption is not manly, consider only this: your opinion on this matter and all others is utterly fucking irrelevant. We are the Sick but Beautiful and you are not.

Also, girls hide in cocktail bars (probably something to do with that movie with Tom Cruise. What’s it called? Top Gun?), they get really drunk in cocktail bars, they fall down and we pick them up and drag them off to our cave.

Now we’re not for one moment advocating date-rape. We’re just not prepared to rule it out.

So, you find yourself and your wingmen in a cocktail bar. The ladies are getting pished, getting hot and getting horny. She looks over and she sees you. And what are you drinking? You’re drinking a martini… you’re not getting any pussy tonight, fella. Not even a little bit, unless you pull that rancid minger with the hairy top lip from the kebab shop.

Or, She looks over and she sees you. With a long island iced tea. You are the finest representation of masculinity in the world. All her vagina are belong to you.

Drink up motherfucker, because once that booze-buzz starts to fade, you’ll have to rely on your personality, or your mighty, mighty cock. And in either of those directions, disaster lies. Unless she really likes World of Warcraft. or Dick Cheese.



Not this dick cheese… Although, that song is deeply concerning.

While we’re here and have your attention, we’ll explain the rules of cocktail consumption.

  • If it has an umbrella in it, it’s for girls.
  • If it has fruit in it, it’s for girls.
  • If it comes in a martini glass, it’s for girls. James Bond was a closet fag drinking weak martinis’ to stay sober.
  • If it is named in a sexy way, it’s for girls. Real men do not ask for “sex on the beach”, unless they mean it literally and are about to perform the screaming pelican. (Look it up, maggot-dick, I can’t be sourcing all your links for you.)
  • If it’s a Cuba Libre, just ask for a Rum and Coke. Pretentious fucking bastards can eat my dick.

New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant.

Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of my Car with sticky hair.

Matt says:

I found this “riddle” on the net while doing some research for this article, and yes I know most of you feculent donkey rapists figured I just made this shit up, well no, not always.

Two guys walk into a bar. They both order the special, Long Island Iced Tea, which is poured from the same pitcher. One of them drinks his drink slowly and one of them drinks it fast. They walk outside and suddenly the guy who drank his Long Island Tea slowly drops to the ground and dies. They order an autopsy and find that he died from poison. How could this be if the other guy drank the same tea and didnt even get sick?

The answer is fucking stupid and I’m not going to tell you what it is. What I am going to say however is this. The guy who drank the long island iced tea fast didn’t walk outside at all. He drunkenly staggered outside and puked on his shoes. Fucks sake, how about some realism, biyatch?

Drink Irresponsibly, Choose Life.

and another thing:
Seriously, who the fuck wants to drink responsibly? What in the world would be the fucking point? I’m not saying we should all be out of our minds pissed up the entire time. But fuck, if you’re life doesn’t feel a little better, if you don’t feel a little more confident and relaxed and dare I say fucking happy when you’ve had (many) a nice drink, then please go directly ahead and fuck yourself. You’re probably a shit-stained prick anyway. I expect you’re Norwegian.