Or the things that got on my last ragged nerve today…
1. When an aeroplane lands, there is absolutely no need to clap. The very least you could reasonably expect when you boarded that shit, was that it was definitely going to return to the earth. That you are still alive is not cause for applause. Indeed, I suspect it might be cause to brutally and savagely murder you and your hell-spawn that’s been screaming in my ear for the last 4 hours. Even their father wishes he’d just shot into a condom at this point.
Obviously, if you die in a plane crash then by all means feel free to applaud.
2. Oi, Ryanair, Leave me the fuck alone. I’m sleeping in a chair that seems to be made from shards of broken glass as it is. I don’t want a lottery ticket. I don’t want a sandwich upon which the lettuce has devolved into primordial slime. I definitely don’t want you to wake me up by crashing your trolley into my elbow. I tend to take that kind of thing personally. And no-one wants to see what happens to a plane toilet once I’ve been in there.
3. Passport Control. When it takes as long to get through immigration into the country I call home as it does to fly there in the first place, you’re doing it wrong. I’m not a terrorist but keep this shit up and I may reconsider.
4. Tourists eating breakfast at the same time as workers. I have to be in the office for 9am. You’re on holiday. Go the fuck back to bed. Or at least all sit together out of the way. It’ll make it easier to target you with my AK47.
5. Anyone who is outraged enough to complain about something and expect that something will be done about it despite their being in the overwhelming minority.
a) I don’t care b) No-one else cares c) Please go away.
People may say or do whatever they like within the limits of the law. And as long as they’re within those limits, you can shove your outrage directly up your arse. I appreciate that some things are in incredibly poor taste. Facebook pages suggesting Cancer is funny as an example. I don’t read them and hence I am not outraged by that shit. If you do read them, and are outraged, actually you only have yourself to blame.
8. I cannot say just how much I hate twitter. If you’re a celebrity and you’re on twitter , then you’d better expect to be abused. It’s inevitable . If you’re a real person, who the fuck cares what you’re doing in 140 characters anyway. I’d rather read a bloodstain.